Today I learned that the more morons I talk to, the more I value common sense.

The end.

Today I learned that apparently my youth and beauty are fading quickly...

Instead of making lewd gestures, a trucker flipped me off today. Man, this sucks. Where have all the good years gone?

Today I learned that crusty feet are even more distracting than two criminal monitoring devices...

This picture is courtesy of my friend Jerrid. I'm told one is a SCRAM bracelet (Thanks LiLo for educating the public on what this is!) and the other is an actual GPS tracking bracelet! How bad would your life suck if you couldn't leave your house AND you couldn't drink? Ah, the humanity! But seriously, what actually caught my eye was the crusty heels. Let's take up a collection and send this gal a case of Gold Bond foot lotion to last her the rest of her probation!

Today I learned how to fly a plane!!!

Well, actually this was a few weeks ago, but again, it's my blog so I can do what I want. Captain Clinton reporting for duty!

Today I learned that when purchasing generic products, read the labels very, VERY carefully!

Which one is the generic Pledge furniture polish, and which one is the generic PAM cooking spray? No wonder the quiche I baked last night made me sick!!!

Today I learned that if you put your mind to it, you can find very creative ways to stave off defeat... at least for a while.

I was shooting hoops with a friend at a local park and we decided to play H.O.R.S.E. Keep in mind, I'm pretty sure the Clinton administration was just taking office the last time I touched a basketball, so my chances at hanging one in the "W" column were not good to start with. So before I know it, I'm a H.O. (insert haha), then a H.O.R. (insert more haha), until finally I'm at H.O.R.S.E. BUT-- never fear, my creative juices started to flow, and I suggested we play H.O.R.S.E.S. Ha! I lost the next shot, BUT WAIT-- I then suggested we play H.O.R.S.E.S.T.! I still lost, but oh well... I was able to prolong the game, had it been possible to mount a comeback, plus my English teacher mother would probably be pretty proud of me using suffixes to try and win. And now I can look at myself and say, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the horsest of them all?" :-)

Today I learned that it is physically impossible to b*tch slap someone through the phone...

Trust me... I tried. Really hard. But I'm hoping new advancements in technology will someday allow this dream of mine to become a reality.

Today I learned that skinny vanilla lattes are NOT as good as the full fat ones...

Period.

Today I learned that it is entirely possible to walk four Dobermans while riding your bike...

I really have no words to enhance this photo.

Today I learned that I am practically still a infant...

And I don't mean emotionally when I say this. At 31 years old, how is this possible you might ask? Well today a very smart guy (he's a consultant and they're paid to be smart, right? Haha...) said he heard a story on NPR that went something like this: With current and imminent medical advances, the first person to live to be 400 years old is probably already 40 today. WOW! I only expected to live to about 210, so I'm super pumped about this! Must find new ways to stay hot in my last couple hundred years though... hmmm... Might need to up my daily moisturizer regimin for starters...

Today I learned that the bar can actually leave you...

I actually learned this last week, but I was at a conference without easy access to my laptop to post. And it's my blog anyway, so I can make up the rules, right? Anyhoo, we were at a cocktail reception, which I vowed to only stay at for only an hour. Well, I held to my vow, but only because the bar actually left me. At 7pm on the dot, they wheeled that baby right out of there. Do you know how many times in my life I've actually needed the bar to leave me and it didn't? I think this practice should be fully implemented in other places as well. And while we're at it... can my cell phone also leave me after three or four glasses of wine? Please and thanks. :-)

Today I learned that at work, if nothing else, you can always accomplish attendence...

I was in the office from 9a.m. to 4p.m. today, and at the end I couldn't really put my finger on what I'd actually accomplished. Then I realized... I attended work! If Woody Allen was right and 80% of success is showing up, then I've at least earned a grade of "B" today. Woo hoo! I'll take that!

Today I learned you should never guess how far along a pregnant lady is...

It results in much embarrassment for all involved, or even just those in witness. In a meeting today with a pregnant gal and some other folks, one of the people says, "So how far along are you? Five or six months?" The answer: 13 weeks. OUCH! I had to leave before someone cried.