Today I learned that the more morons I talk to, the more I value common sense.

The end.

Today I learned that apparently my youth and beauty are fading quickly...

Instead of making lewd gestures, a trucker flipped me off today. Man, this sucks. Where have all the good years gone?

Today I learned that crusty feet are even more distracting than two criminal monitoring devices...

This picture is courtesy of my friend Jerrid. I'm told one is a SCRAM bracelet (Thanks LiLo for educating the public on what this is!) and the other is an actual GPS tracking bracelet! How bad would your life suck if you couldn't leave your house AND you couldn't drink? Ah, the humanity! But seriously, what actually caught my eye was the crusty heels. Let's take up a collection and send this gal a case of Gold Bond foot lotion to last her the rest of her probation!

Today I learned how to fly a plane!!!

Well, actually this was a few weeks ago, but again, it's my blog so I can do what I want. Captain Clinton reporting for duty!

Today I learned that when purchasing generic products, read the labels very, VERY carefully!

Which one is the generic Pledge furniture polish, and which one is the generic PAM cooking spray? No wonder the quiche I baked last night made me sick!!!

Today I learned that if you put your mind to it, you can find very creative ways to stave off defeat... at least for a while.

I was shooting hoops with a friend at a local park and we decided to play H.O.R.S.E. Keep in mind, I'm pretty sure the Clinton administration was just taking office the last time I touched a basketball, so my chances at hanging one in the "W" column were not good to start with. So before I know it, I'm a H.O. (insert haha), then a H.O.R. (insert more haha), until finally I'm at H.O.R.S.E. BUT-- never fear, my creative juices started to flow, and I suggested we play H.O.R.S.E.S. Ha! I lost the next shot, BUT WAIT-- I then suggested we play H.O.R.S.E.S.T.! I still lost, but oh well... I was able to prolong the game, had it been possible to mount a comeback, plus my English teacher mother would probably be pretty proud of me using suffixes to try and win. And now I can look at myself and say, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the horsest of them all?" :-)

Today I learned that it is physically impossible to b*tch slap someone through the phone...

Trust me... I tried. Really hard. But I'm hoping new advancements in technology will someday allow this dream of mine to become a reality.